BOUNDARIES

IT’S ALL ABOUT BOUNDARIES!

IMPORTANCE OF BOUNDARIES:

It is essential for our health and well-being to know our limits, wants and needs.  It is part of forming and knowing who we are.  Boundaries are an important part of how we do this.  If we don’t know our limits and protect them, we tend to take on more responsibilities just to please others.  A key word here is “others”. If we don’t check in with ourselves and determine our own limits, needs, likes and responsibilities, then others will determine these for us.  This leads to anger, resentment and as sense of victimization.  This will ultimately ruin the relationship and lead to depression and low self-esteem in ourselves.

HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES:

Step 1:  Awareness

Pay attention to the small feelings (annoyances, frustrations, twinges of guilt, desire to push back and resist, passive-aggressive behavior) as well as the big feelings, and honor them for a minute.  GO WITH IT, instead of getting down on yourself or minimizing your feelings, sucking it up and trying to shake it off – honor your feelings and respect yourself to know what’s best for you.  Anger is an important, protective emotion.  It lets us know when our well-being may be threatened and energizes us to protect ourselves.  This doesn’t mean you never suck it up and give to others anymore, but it means you spend equal time taking care of your own needs.  If you don’t there is nothing left of you to give.

Step 2: Check-in

How am I feeling right now?

Why do I feel weird, detached, or unsure of myself right now?

Am I okay with what is being asked of me?  How it is being asked? How I am being talked to and treated right now?

Have I played into this or set this dynamic up somehow by not speaking up or setting a boundary before this?

Am I being respected right now?

Do I need to speak up and set a boundary?

Step 3: Speaking up

There are many ways to set a boundary. Here are some of those ways:

1.     Be honest/direct: Express that you are not comfortable, and in good conscience, cannot do what you are being asked.

2.     Defer/Buy Time: Let someone know you have to think about it more, check your calendar, etc. before you commit.

3.     Acknowledge them while setting a boundary: Show empathy that you understand where they’re coming from (you hear them), but you aren’t okay with, do not have the bandwidth, or cannot at the moment, help them, allow them to talk to you that way, or go along with that. 

4.     Be honest and respectful: “I know you want help with this, but I just don’t have the bandwidth right now.  I’m sorry.”  OR “I’m really trying to limit my commitments and practice self-care, so I can’t commit at the moment.” “I have to be honest with you…I don’t like the way you’re talking to me.  I have to step away right now.” “You know, I have to be honest with you, I feel talked down to and I’m just not okay with it.  I need to take a break from this.  I can’t help you right now.”

5.     Express your feelings:  “I feel _______ (annoyed, resentful, hurt, angry, not okay)  that I’m being asked to do this.  I’m sorry, but I have to say no.” 

STEP 4: Congratulate yourself!

Setting boundaries is hard!  It will feel very foreign and even selfish at first.  You may worry about hurting other’s feelings or ruining the relationship - especially, if you haven’t done it before and the relationship hasn’t been built on boundary setting in the past. 

1.     Remind yourself: You can’t take care of their needs and be true to yourself at the same time. In a healthy relationship there is honest sharing and respectful behavior that strives to accommodate both people’s feelings and needs. The other person should value your needs and wants and limits too.

STEP 5: Be prepared for fall-out

Homeostasis: People will push back in order to get back to the former homeostasis in the relationship – especially if it served their needs more than yours!  Remember, there are those who are unaware when they are intruding in, mistreating, expecting too much, etc.  Go back to your original feelings and why you set the boundary. Your feelings are valid and important.  They are your body’s way of letting you know you need to set a boundary to take care of yourself.

1.     Selfishness versus Self-Care:

            Selfishness is not the same as self-care.  Setting boundaries is about self-care, not excluding others. It is essential for your well-being and for a relationship to be healthy. It is, however, selfish to not consider the needs of others over and over again, and to consistently only care about yourself.  Most of us who struggle with boundary setting do not struggle with being overly selfish.  We struggle with seeing what our own needs are and expressing ourselves in a way that protects and takes good care of ourselves.

2.     Fear of Conflict:

The biggest fear of setting boundaries is facing conflict or rejection.  While conflict is stressful, there cannot be a healthy, strong relationship without it. Conflict is about negotiating and accommodating both people’s needs. If this is avoided and resentment, anger grows, this can lead to depression. This would be the equivalent to one of you not really being present in the relationship and only there to tune into the wants and needs of the other.  This is often described as feeling like a part of you is dying or has died – a frequent description by those who are caught up in a long-term toxic relationship.

3.     The Reaction of Others:

You cannot control how others react when you set a boundary.  Quite frankly, it has nothing to do with you. If you are respectful (even if angry) and non-attacking when you set the boundary, then you have done nothing wrong.  In fact, you’ve done everything right, even if the other person doesn’t like it.  You cannot control if they are open and respectful or if they become angry or hurt. That is an inside job for them.  Some may say, “thank you…I had no idea you were feeling that way.”  Or, “OK, that’s hard for me to hear and I’m not sure I agree, but I’m glad you told me.” Even better, “I’m sorry!”  Others may become defensive and accuse you of being selfish, rude, etc.  Some people will express feeling offended or hurt and may say things that make you feel wrong or guilty.  YOU do not need to take this on and take RESPONSIBILITY for THEIR feelings.  Your job is only to be honest and as respectful as possible when expressing your feelings.  They are allowed to have THEIR reaction, which you did not cause.

4.     Reminder: YOU CANNOT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS AT THE SAME TIME. 

You would have to leave yourself and your needs to go over and create a situation that is what they want.  This could be self-abandonment and lead to resentment and anger over time.  This erodes a relationship and will lead to an eventual separation or cause depression in the person abandoning themselves over and over again. 

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS:

Unfortunately, there are some – often narcissistic personalities – who cannot accommodate the needs of others, who have to control and dominate the relationship, who consistently put their needs first.  They may overtly or subtly discount the needs of others by minimizing, challenging, guilt tripping, changing the subject, or turning it around back to them.  This is the “smoke and mirrors” routine, where you thought the subject was your feelings or needs, and all of a sudden you’re left questioning the validity of your ask or limit, feeling guilty and wrong, and now are focused on the other person’s needs. These personalities are often called “toxic” and can cause harm to your ability to recognize your feelings and needs, and to be able to advocate for yourself.  Ultimately, this erodes at your self-esteem, sense of self, and can cause anxiety, depression and other emotional challenges.  In these cases, being clear and attuned to the kind of personality you are dealing with, setting clear boundaries and, sometimes, putting distance between you and this person are the best courses of action. 

PARENTING:

The purpose of this sheet on boundaries applies mostly to adult to adult relationships, not parent to child.

It is more difficult to determine when and how to practice self-care and set limits when you are interacting with your children.  It is a parent’s job and responsibility, often, to put their children’s needs first because they can’t or don’t have the power to do so.  How and when to set a limit with your child varies according to their age and determining reasonable expectations given their maturity and abilities.  Parental self-care is still paramount, however, but needs to be done outside the relationship, especially in the early years.  Expecting your kids to accommodate or meet those needs may often be inappropriate.  As kids are able to do more for themselves, and can realistically consider the needs of others, it is important that they learn to do so.  But, it is a parent’s job to always consider the needs of their children first, until their kids are adults and/or capable of taking care of themselves. The teenage years really challenge our boundary-setting!  It is a time when kids are practicing to become adults.  They rebel, break away from, and focus mainly on what THEY think, and making their OWN decisions, much to a parent’s chagrin.  This is essential for them to become successful adults. Remember, it is necessary for them to become a bit “self-ish” to develop their own sense of self instead of always taking direction from you.  However, it is ok to show them that you count too.  It is essential that they learn too how to think about the needs of others in addition to their own, and how to balance that.  The more you model how to set boundaries, the more they will absorb this and be able to do it themselves.

© 04/18/20 Marianne Vernacchia MA

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