ANGER

ANGER

Oh, the discomfort people feel when I suggest that they may be feeling angry!  It is the one comment that I get the most pushback on from my clients.  Shy, quiet, clients will even object. “No, not angry. Maybe a little frustrated.”  “No, I don’t think I feel angry, just a bit irritated.” “I wouldn’t say I’m angry…it just that I get tired of...” “Not angry! No! I’m not angry, I feel more bothered, than angry, but it’s not a big deal.” “I feel tired, but I don’t think it’s anger.”  In other words, “I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of feeling angry…can we move on now?”

ANGER GETS A BAD WRAP

What is the BIG DEAL about feeling angry?  Nobody seems to want to feel it, or at least, admit to feeling this normal, healthy, empowering emotion.  This never ceases to amaze me. Yet I, too, used to say the same thing to my therapist.  How could she imply such a thing?!  I’m not angry! As if, anger is a state of being, versus just a feeling like any other feeling. Anger has a negative connotation.  Somehow, we have learned that it is a bad thing to feel anger, yet it is one of the most important emotions that we have.  And, let’s not forget, it is just an emotion – a feeling no different than our other feelings of joy, embarrassment, pride, worry or frustration. 

WHY?

Anger can be an emotion that, if not expressed early on, can lead to rage or fury, or sometimes, a loss of control.  This kind of event can lead to a negative consequence, like feeling embarrassed, doing or saying something hurtful, or somehow causing damage to relationships, ourselves, or things around us.  It can be a scary emotion if we have lost control before, or seen others lose control of their anger and cause damage. Men can be afraid of their anger if they’ve seen or heard of other men losing control or being aggressive or violent with their anger. Some men are raised to believe that to be a “gentleman” they are not to get angry. Real men must control their aggressive feelings. Women, as well, have been socialized to believe that it is inappropriate to be angry or express anger. It is not feminine or attractive for women to act angry. Anger is a “negative” and repressed emotion in our society.

THE DANGERS OF NOT EXPRESSING ANGER

Not only can unexpressed anger lead to an outburst of rage, or loss of control, it can also lead to anxiety and depression.  When we don’t allow ourselves to feel and express this powerful emotion, we give up, it goes underground (and may seep out later in other ways if not resolved)…or worse yet, we decide, there is something wrong with us for feeling this way, and a part of us goes to sleep or dies inside.  We deny ourselves the existence of a very energizing and virile piece of our psyche and emotional life. We also deny ourselves the ability to recognize when we feel offended, hurt, trespassed, or just plain old “NOT OK” with something.  Therefore, we cannot and do not take care of ourselves or protect ourselves.

THE BENEFIT OF ANGER

Anger has been labeled a “negative” emotion, but the truth is, there are no “negative” emotions.  There are just emotions.  Normal, healthy, vibrant, human emotions!  And, we need ALL of them!  They tell us important information about ourselves, our environment, and our physical and emotional safety.  Anger helps us recognize the thoughts we have about ourselves, how we feel around others, and how to take care of ourselves.  We need anger, as well as all of our feelings to act as a navigation system to help us make decisions about our lives. We must welcome all of them, decipher what they mean, and decide if we need to take action. It is only through becoming curious about our angry feelings that we can figure out how to take care of ourselves.  Anger helps us to learn what we don’t like, perhaps set a boundary or limit with ourselves or others, or make a change that will improve our mood, environment, or life.

WHY DO WE FEEL ANGER?

Anger is a protective emotion that pops us and tries to defend us when we are being infringed upon, being asked too much of, being mistreated, treated less than or unfairly, or being demeaned or disrespected.  Under anger is usually a felt sense of hurt. These two often go hand in hand. Anger protects us from being hurt or mistreated.  It is an important emotion! It is vital and essential that we are not afraid of it, but rather, move towards it, become curious about it, and tune in and listen to it.  That does not mean we walk through life throwing our anger around or purposefully flaring our temper.  It does mean that we need to figure out what we are angry about and decide if we need to express our hurt/unhappiness or make changes.

HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE’RE FEELING ANGER?

Often anger starts small and builds over time if we don’t catch it.  Feeling irritable, frustrated, or bothered are all forms of anger.  Feeling upset, “down”, unhappy, or even “tired” can often be forms of anger that are not quite identified yet. Resentment is a more pervasive emotion that comes from unresolved/unexpressed anger. Anger can express itself physically too.  A narrowing in the eyes, furrowing of the brow, teeth clenching, heat running through us, tightening of fists, a tight chest/neck, tapping the foot or hand, or bouncing a leg.  Why?  Because anger creates energy.  An energy (adrenaline and oxygen) begins to course through our bodies as blood pumps to our extremities to prepare us instinctually to fight or flight. Often, if we pay attention to our body, it will also let us know if we are angry.  If we repress this anger or energy, we can become very tense, tight, or worse yet, not allow our bodies to feel any energy and not feel or respond to a perceived threat, which is a form of depression.

HOW CAN I TELL IF I HAVE ANY ANGER?

Ask yourself!  Then, give yourself permission to feel any feelings of frustration, irritation, or anger at anyone or anything. 

STEPS TO FEELING ANGER

STEP 1

Take 5-10 minutes a few times a week to sit quietly and breath.  After taking in 3-5 deep breaths, let your thoughts and mind settle.  Let the mundane or “to-do” thoughts float by like clouds.  Let them go and don’t get hung up on them.  Come back to noticing your breath. Focus on your breath only. 

STEP 2

After 1-2 minutes ask yourself? “What am I feeling?”  Become curious about your emotions. Do not judge them. Allow them to just be.

STEP 3

Ask yourself, “Am I frustrated about anything?  Am I angry about anything?”  If something surfaces, give yourself permission to feel more than frustration.  Ask yourself, how angry am I about this?  Am I just frustrated or am I really angry?

STEP 4

Am I more than angry?  Am I furious?  Do I feel enraged about this?  It is ok and normal to feel these emotions. Allow your body to become warm, tingly, energized, even a bit uncomfortable.  It is ok.  It will also pass.  It will not last forever.   If you want to cry, that is ok too. Often, this is a more comfortable way to release anger at first. 

STEP 5

Express out loud or write down exactly what you are angry about using “I” messages like this:

“I feel angry, frustrated, enraged  at my wife, my boss, my brother, my mom for saying that to me, for not letting me, for not trusting me, for doing this or that.”

STEP 6

Check in to see if you have any hurt and sadness underneath that anger.  Ask yourself, “Do I have hurt feelings too?”  If so, express that directly as well either verbally or in writing using “I” messages.

“I feel hurt, offended, sad that you, my brother, my dad or mom, did that.”

STEP 7

Thank yourself for letting you know about these feelings. They are important!

HOW SHOULD I DEAL WITH ANGER?

Do not be afraid of it!  Your angry feelings are not the problem, it’s not realizing them that can create a problem.  Once you are aware of any anger, and once you have expressed it OUT LOUD, IN WRITING or in a direct way to get it outside your body, then you have choices.  Once you’ve calmed down from the energy of the emotion, you can use your intellectual or logical mind to decide if you need to take any action. 

WHAT CHOICES TO DO I HAVE FOR ACTION?

Nothing…just feel it. Sometimes, we don’t want to do anything with it.  We just feel it and it passes and we’re done with it. 

Become more aware…Sometimes, we want to continue to observe a situation now that we know it has caused us hurt or anger.  We want to see if this is a one-off or if there is a pattern that continues to cause us hurt and/or anger.

Express and discuss it …Often, we decide we need to let someone know their actions have hurt us and/or led to us to feeling angry. We may need to alert someone to a problem that is getting in the way of our friendship, intimacy, or relationship. Discussing our feelings can lead to increased and more honest communication, a deeper understanding, a compromise or negotiation, or create awareness and respect for what hurts and upsets each other.

Set a boundary…we may need to set a limit or boundary with ourselves or others to prevent this from happening again. Perhaps we are allowing or feeding into a dynamic that repeatedly causes us hurt and we end up feeling angry and resentful. Perhaps we need to tell someone we are not okay with something.

Make a change or get out…sometimes, we have to put distance between us and another. We may need to leave a situation, job, or a relationship if we are unable to resolve the source of hurt and anger and it continues.  There may be an incompatibility between two personalities, or a toxic environment that we need to protect ourselves from.

RESOLVING ANGER

Resolving anger can be scary and hard.  It is not easy to feel the pain that may be underneath it, and it is not easy to confront situations that cause us hurt or do damage. But, like a drain that gets clogged, we must continue to maintain and clear out any clogs that get stuck in our “pipes” or emotional pathways.  We will feel lighter, clearer and continue to learn about ourselves and what we like and need to find healthy, compatible situations and relationships in our lives.

© 2020, Marianne Vernacchia MA, MFT#35980